Welcome to another year of Kissing Contest’s reality madness tournament. This post will explain the rule changes this year and give you a brief description of each show in the tournie (I’m just gonna C&P from wiki so if they aren’t too thorough, do your own research)
First up, the purpose of this tournament is to find out which reality show is making the America the saddest, based on content, influence, and the judges personal fears and shames. Secondly, this year I’ve decide to limit the tournament to reality shows that started in 2010 or later. This way Teen Mom and Toddlers and Tiaras don’t win every year, and it’s not like college players in the real NCAA Tournament stay in college forever winning championships, they move on, and so do terrible fucking reality shows.
WIthout further ado, here are the brackets, I suggest right click saving, otherwise they are hard to read:
Now Here are brief descriptions of every entrant:
NORTHWEST BRACKET (Top Left)
1. Duck Dynasty (A&E) – Duck Dynasty is an American reality television series on A&E that portrays the lives of the Robertson family, who became wealthy from their family-operated business, Duck Commander.
2. Extreme Couponing (TLC) – TLC’s Extreme Couponing is a show about shoppers who make extensive and focused use of coupons to save money while accumulating large quantities of goods. It was previewed in December 2010; after surpassing network expectations with more than 2 million viewers, it received a series order and began regular airings in April 2011.
3. Mob Wives (VH1) – Mob Wives, renamed Mob Wives: New Blood for the fourth season, is an American reality television series on VH1 that made its debut April 17, 2011. It follows a group of Staten Island women after their husbands or fathers are arrested and imprisoned for crimes connected to the Mafia.
4. Friday Night Tykes (Esquire) – Like Toddlers and Tiaras except with boys
5. My Cat From Hell (Animal Planet) – A creepy toucher comes to your house and tells you how to take care of your cat
6. My Strange Addiction (TLC) – Marvel at people with mental illnesses that are addicted to doing weird shit
7. Moonshiners (DISCOVERY) – Rednecks pretend to make moonshine
8. Call of the Wildman (Animal Planet) – Call of the Wildman is an American reality television series that airs on the Animal Planet network. The third season of the series is currently airing. The show follows the exploits of Kentucky woodsman Ernie Brown, Jr., nicknamed “The Turtleman”. Aided by his friend, Neal James, and his dog, Lolly, Brown operates a nuisance animal removal business, while he catches and releases nuisance animals. The series is primarily filmed near Brown’s Lebanon, Kentucky, home.
9. Preachers of LA (Oxygen) – SASSY PREACHERS WITH ATTITUDE
10. GIgolos (SHowtime) – The lives of Male whores
11. Hardcore Pawn (TRU) – More realistic than Pawn Stars but also way more fake
12. Ink Master (Spike) – Sick Tatty contest
13. Beyond Scared Straight (A&E) – teaching kids lessons by having prisoners yell at them
14. Horse Players (esquire) – a boring show about nerds that bet on horse racing
15. Southern Charm (Bravo) – The notoriously closed society of Charleston, South Carolina unlocks the gates of their centuries-old plantation homes for a real-life look at how modern-day Southern aristocracy lives. Get charmed by the social scene which is bound by tradition and ostentation unlike any other culture in America, through a group of the city’s most charismatic gentlemen and their Southern belle equals.
16. Comic Book Men (AMC) – Kevin Smith’s fat friends have their own show
SOUTHWEST BRACKET (Bottom Left)
1. Doomsday Preppers (NatGeo) – Maniacs think the world is going to end and bum out their families
2. Catfish (MTV) – fat people on the internet trick dumb people into dating them
3. Sister Wives (TLC) – Some guy is married to a bunch of ladies
4. Cheer Perfection (TLC) – http://www.tmz.com/2014/01/14/cheer-perfection-mom-andrea-clevenger-arrested-rape-minor/
5.Love & Hip Hop (VH1) – washed up rappers acting poorly
6. Lizard Lick Towing (Tru) – fat ugly fucks pretend to tow stuff
7. Game of Arms (AMC) – the most dramatic arm wreslting matches ever filmed
8. Million Dollar Bigfoot Bounty (Spike) – idiots hunt for Bigfoot
9. Chrisley Knows Best (USA) – Sassy dipshit and his sassy dipshit family
10. Black Ink Crew (VH1) – a tattoo show with no actual tattooing
11. To Catch a Contractor (Spike) – Adam Corolla has nothing better to do
12. Auction Hunters (Spike) – Guys go find garbage and resell it but one of the guys has a tattoo on his head
13. Freak Show (AMC) – about an old timey freak show because that’s apparently still a thing
14. Kim of Queens (Lifetime) – Kim of Queens is a Lifetime reality TV show about a pageant coach, 1991 Miss Georgia winner Kim Gravel, which follows Gravel, her mother Jo, and her younger sister Allisyn as they train young girls for beauty pageants. It premiered on January 1, 2014.
15. The Safecrackers (TRU) – Follow Phil Crawford, one of America’s leading safecrackers, and his best buddy, Blaze as they travel the country to unravel mysteries and unlock the secrets lurking in abandoned safes. Phil, Blaze and their fun-loving crew of family and friends can track down and crack giant bank vaults, intricate antique safes and even armored vehicles and underground bunkers.
16. The Taste (ABC) – The Voice except with food
NORTHEAST BRACKET (top right)
1. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (TLC) – Way to go, America
2. Extreme Cheapskates (TLC) – Way to go, America
3. Naked & Afraid (DIscovery) – it’s like Survivor but way more fucked up
4. Amish Mafia (Discovery) – Fake amish fake strongarm other fake amish
5. Long Island Medium (TLC) – italian racial stereotype pretends to hear dead people
6. Pregnant & Dating (WE) – ::facepalm::
7. The Voice (NBC) – like american idol but…not….i guess?
8. American Hoggers (A&E) – American Hoggers is an American reality television series on A&E that debuted October 19, 2011. The series chronicles the lives of the Campbell family whose family business is professional game hunting
9. Wahlburgers (A&E) – Donny and Mark made a tv show for their ugly brother
10. My Big Fat Revenge (Oxygen) – LOL! “After being discounted, humiliated, and rejected because of their weight, these women are ready to take control of their lives, put their painful pasts behind them, and finally stand up to the people who inflicted the hurt. From the girl whose boyfriend proposed with a ring two sizes too small to the girl who was tormented about her size by her childhood dance instructor, these women will get the ultimate chance to get healthy, change their lives for the better, and teach their former offenders the lesson of a lifetime. With an eye for an eye approach, these ex-boyfriends, former classmates and even family members will get a taste of their own medicine as they’re set up on blind dates, auditions, and nightmare jobs to experience what they put their offenders through.”
11. Heroes Of Cosplay (Syfy) – Follow around nerd babes in sex nerd costumes boioioioioioooooing
12. Savage Family Diggers (Spike) – The series focuses on Savage and his crew as they travel across the United States searching for buried artifacts. Searching historical documents, the team attempts to find locations that may contain artifacts that can be located using a variety of tools including shovel and metal detectors. The crew has to negotiate with the various land owners for permission to dig on their land. Due to many Americans being protective of their land it can be quite harrowing trying to find locations to dig. When valuable artifacts are discovered they are taken to various collectors and sold at which time the money would be split between the land owner and Savage.
13. Warped Roadies (Fuse) – Guys with the lamest job try and pretend their job isn’t so lame. Also features bands youve never heard of.
14. Mystery Diners (Food) – Mystery Diners is an American reality television series on the Food Network. The series, hosted by Charles Stiles, debuted on May 25, 2012, and focuses on a group of diners who, at certain owners’ requests, go undercover at specific restaurants and set up undercover stings and unseen surveillance cameras to catch misbehaving restaurant employees in the act.
15. Party Down South (CMT) – Yet another attempt at a redneck Jersey Shore
16. Toy Hunter (Travel) – questionably gay man hunts for old toys
SOUTHEAST BRACKET (bottom right)
1. Storage Wars (A&E) – The show that somehow gets more and more disgusting by the year
2. Bar Rescue (Spike) – Jon Taffer fixes bars by making people smell gross shit in their bar
3. Dance Moms (Lifetime) – More fat ugly adults bullying young children
4. Marriage Bootcamp (WE) – The first season of Marriage Boot Camp chronicles the lives of five couples from previous seasons of Bridezillas as they move into one house together in order to save their marital bonds. They realize the issues in themselves, and see how it’s hurting their marriages. The couples also do a number of exercises to see if their marriages are worth saving. In the end, the couples will decide if they should divorce or make up. Leading the program is marriage counselor team Jim Carroll and his wife Elizabeth.
5. Basketball Wives (VH1) – are any of these hoes actually married to basketball players?
6. Undercover Boss (CBS) – millionaire business owner pretends to be common man for a day
7. Immortalized (AMC) – Taxidermy competition!
8. Swamp People (History) – Each season, the series focuses on five teams of alligator hunters, with each episode generally featuring three or four teams, as they hunt gator. Some episodes also feature other aspects of the social and sporting life of the swamp, including fishing and hunting for other animals, such as squirrel.
9. Doomsday Castle (Natgeo) – one doomsday prepper was so good at being a maniac they gave him his own show!
10. Restaurant Stakeout (Food) – fake ass Jon Taffer shows people how shitty their restaurant is
11. Preachers Daughters (Lifetime) – Preachers’ Daughters encompasses four pastors‘ daughters and their families as they’re put through the test of balancing their lives with their parents’ firm expectations all the while following their religious values.
12. Thrift Hunters (Spike) – dude shopping at goodwill. it’s a whole show now.
13. My Big Redneck Family (CMT) – CMT looking for that Honey Boo Boo demographic
14. Game of Stones (Discovery) – Billions of dollars in precious stones are unearthed each year, but the rarest never make it to the open market. That’s where Don Kogen, America’s most extreme gem hunter, comes in. Kogen is CEO of Gem Guys, Inc., and a legend in the business. He specializes in rare stones from the most dangerous and lawless places on earth, racing the clock to be the first to each new find, always staying one step ahead of the competition. GAME OF STONES, featuring the real adventures of Kogen and his crew,
15. Below Deck (Bravo) – Below Deck chronicles the crew members who work and reside aboard the mega-yacht, “Honor”. It shows the crew as they deal with their personal issues in order to make their professional careers work. Each episode features a different group of guests.
16. G-Thing (Fuse) – Italian racial stereotype pretends to be a rapper. fails.